You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
