then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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