Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
