I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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