If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
