just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
