Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My liver is preforming stress tests.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
