you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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