FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
