After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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