Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
