what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
