So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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