On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
