It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She told me I should be a condom model.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
