Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
