You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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