I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
