You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
