Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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