i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
