Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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