Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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