i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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