I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We left the knife in your bed.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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