Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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