the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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