So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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