your parents love me but you hate me
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
