I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
