i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
