I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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