When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
