before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
