I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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