I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
