she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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