Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
