end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
