also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
