When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
