the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
