Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
