How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
