Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
