Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i think i have two assholes
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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