my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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