pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Randomize
