I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
