I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
